Nanageddon
by SparkieSchteff
Summary: A Boosh/Catherine Tate crossover again. Vince and Howard are working in the Lion enclosure when an old lady and her grandson come along. Rated T for swearing mainly. One shot.


Hello :) Duno if you remember but ages ago I wrote a Mighty Boosh/Catherine Tate crossover where I used Lauren Cooper, well I've done the same thing again but with Nan and her grandson Jamie :D And this is dedicated to Jamie because she was awesome with ideas and Nanlingo and because she pushed me to do it and didn't let me forget about it, thank ya :P

Tbh I like the Lauren one better but I love Nan too :D  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Boosh or the Catherine Tate Show, they belong to their respective owners. :)

Oh and just to say Nan is rude and homophobic and I'd just like to mention I don't share her views though there's nothing extreme in this! Alot of cursing though!

**Nanageddon**

"Vince, come on. Stop annoying the lion and do some sweeping up, we need to get this enclosure cleaned." Howard held one broom out to his best friend while resting his own against the wall but all he received in reply were inaudible mutterings.

"What?"

"You are." Vince spoke up clearly and turned on his heels sticking his hands in his pockets, the lion behind him staring at Howard with a look of hunger on its furry face.

"How am I annoying him?"

"For a start you're calling her 'him' and second you're the one sweepin' all the hay about, you're kickin' up dust. She's got asthma, she don't want dust all up in her face!" Silence fell between the two men and the lion in the enclosure as children and parents passed by to see the animals, Howard finally broke the silence by shoving the brush into Vince's hands.

"Get it cleaned."

"And what are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna sort her food out." As the older man left, Vince pulled a face behind his back and leant his broom against the wall again. With his hands in his pockets once again, he crouched down to the floor and sat among the straw and hay and carried on his conversation with the lion.

"'ere look," A loud female voice suddenly called, Vince and the lion glanced up toward the bars of the enclosure, "You wanna watch it love, bein in there on yer own with _that_." Vince stared back at an old lady clutching a handbag with her arm linked with a younger man's who had rolled his eyes at the woman's comment.

"Excuse me?" He asked slowly standing up and heading toward the bars.

"Alright darlin'?" The old lady turned to the man beside her and nodded her head in the direction of the animal, "What's that then?"

"A lion, nan." He replied sounding almost bored, Vince smiled at him as they caught eye contact.

"What's it do?"

"Well it's a lion nan, it hunts its prey."

"You what? Bloody University students, can't tell a word you say. 'ere sweetheart, what's it do?" The woman turned to Vince and pointed at the lion who had dropped it's head down onto its paws and dozed off.

"Well not much, she's a bit bored in here. And the dust is annoyin' her."

"Bored? It's a fuckin' lion! They don't get bored!"

"Well she does." Vince flung a hand to his hair and ruffled it a bit while glancing at the woman's grandson.

"Oh don't bother sweet heart, he's gay. He don't like women. Tits about with his hair too much."

"Nan!" The grandson complained shooting Vince an apologetic look, "I'm not gay!"

"Course you fuckin' are! Never bringin' a nice girl round to meet me! Always wanderin' off with that Tom ain't ya Jamie? I'm tellin' ya love," She turned to Vince again, "Don't waste ya time with him."

"I'm a boy." Vince stated. Silence hung between the three people as the lion sighed heavily from her spot on the floor, the old woman stared at Vince while making a 'hup' sound as she shrugged the straps on her bag further up her shoulder.

"You what?"

"I'm a guy... I'm not a girl." He smiled slightly from the corner of his mouth expecting one back but got nothing.

"I don't know these days, how are you supposed to know the difference? Ay? All these lads lookin' like girls and girls lookin' like lads! How am I supposed to know the difference? Don't exactly make it obvious do they? I don't know... Androgyny? What a load of old shit!"

"Nan!" The old lady slapped a hand against her bag, "Can you stop please?"

"Oh take a fuckin' chill pill will ya? You useless puff!"

"Look, I'm really sorry about this." Jamie looked at Vince seriously as his nan cackled with laughter beside him.

"Oh I'm only jokin', you can take a joke can't you sweetheart?" Vince opened his mouth and drew a breath to speak but was interrupted, "I mean you'd 'ave to be able to take a joke wouldn't ya if you looked like that." She motioned at his outfit and his hair to which her grandson sighed heavily.

"Right, that's it nan. Come on, we're leaving."

"Alright! Just chill out." The old lady adjusted her coat pulling it tighter around her, "Never wanted to come 'ere anyway. He didn't even pay, had to pay me-self!"

"Nan, now you know that's not true. I offered to pay for us both and you refused!"

"Bloody students, skint! Too lazy ain't they? Too-fucking-lazy-dot-co-uk!" She roared with laughter while her grandson attempted to pull her away from the bars, "'ere love, you want to get yourself a proper job in a shop or somethin'."

"Why?" Vince asked shrugging.

"Zoos are cruel ain't they? Keepin' all these animals locked up in tiny cages all day while you Zoo keepers sit on yer backsides chattin' away with em thinkin' they can understand ya when they can't! They'd rather be out in the jungle, frolickin' about! Not stuck on their fat furry arses all day doin' fuck all!"

"But you said you liked the Zoo, nan?" Jamie's brow creased as he addresses his Nan who seemed to glare back at him.

"I did no such thing. Despicable places they are with their lady boys workin' in em."

"Well I love workin' here." Vince grinned as he headed back to the wall and sat back down by the lion.

"Oh really, well you know what?" The old lady paused as Vince shrugged looking far from concerned and stroked the fur of the lion beside him who purred lovingly, "The Zooniverse? What a fuckin' liberty! Jamie, come on. We're leavin'."

"Sorry." The grandson replied again as he pulled his nan away, Vince held a hand up and smiled as Howard emerged back into the enclosure without the food he had gone for in the first place.

"Where the hell have you been? I just got harassed by an old lady who thought I was a girl!"

"Some school girl was tormenting Tony the prawn, I tried to shoo her away but she wouldn't shut up, kept saying she wasn't bothered?" Vince shot his friend a confused expression, shook his head and carried on stroking the lion.

"It's been one crazy day, fancy a cup of tea?"

"Yeah, why not?"


End file.
